Thursday, July 13, 2017

Range of Emotions: Pt 8 When a Tree Loses It's Limbs It Calls onIt'sRoots for Strength

Recently, I've been called on to write emails, call, and visit brand new amputees. It's tough. Writing this part of my story is tough. I've delayed it a long time. At this time though, I'm finding a purpose of writing it.

For all those recently amputated, you may be feeling a lot of different feelings. Even if you are going through a tough trial you can experience these same emotions. If you are like me, the range of emotions touches everywhere on the spectrum of emotions. 

I remember waking up from the medically induced sleep in a hospital bed. At first, I was confused about tons of things. Mostly I was confused about why God would let this happen. "What did I do to deserve this?", I asked myself hundreds of times a day. I remember talking to God and saying, "I didn't cuss and I didn't drink or smoke or chew tobacco, where was my protection in return?"

I also had hope because my hands were still attached and had some movement.  I hoped my hands would be saved. "Please Lord, let me keep my hands!" I would pray. One of the good things that my company did was to fly my brother to Colorado to be with me. I will be forever grateful for that. Then my Aunty, that was in Colorado, had my three Uncles flown out. They gave me a blessing but as usual, they ended with, "if it be thy (God's) will..." Again, I hoped that was His will.

Gratitude was a feeling that kept returning. I remember all the people visiting. I was extremely grateful for that. I had fellow apprentice friends come and linemen come. Their wives and children came with them sometimes. I was grateful for every single message on social media.

Two days after my accident, I dictated as my brother typec my first Facebook post.
The responses are below. With each response my courage grew.

My friend, Meat came from Salt Lake. The fact that he had come, on his own dime, from Salt Lake during the Christmas season hit me especially hard.

All the lineman started a thing called "passing the hat," which is passing around a hat (or any container) and if they felt like it, they could put in money. They did this from different job sites that I had worked at and different crews I had worked with. I felt gratitude for every act of kindness I had received, from the smallest thing like the janitor emptying the trash to the biggest of things, but it was a gratitude like I had never felt before. It was deeper and more profound.

With that gratitude, I felt guilt. I felt guilty that the job in Kremmling had stopped because of me. My superintendent called me to see how I was doing and when he told me the foreman was fired I said, "Why? It wasn't him up there!" I was trying to get him his job back because I felt like he lost his job because of me. I felt guilty for people spending their time and resources on me. I am an independent person and I felt guilty for needing and accepting all this help.

I had sadness, happiness, and anger mixed in there too. The sadness and anger, I kept between me and God. The happiness, I shared with my visitors. I didn't want the visitors coming and feeling sad for me. 

The feelings would replace each other often. I would have fear of the future and then a feeling of peace would come. The peace would come when I would think, "God has huge blessings for huge trials!" Sometimes my inner voice would say, "God has big plans for you!"

When I stand six and a half years out from the accident I feel I have been blessed and I have fulfilled many big plans but I also pray for more blessings and hope to fulfill more big plans. I hope by reading this story, anybody with huge trials, like lost limbs, can receive a glimmer of hope and work from there. 

Romans 8:24 For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?

It is very hard to see what is in your future but if you work with your hope great things will happen. You will have a decision to work with hope or fear. I encourage you to choose hope!