Sunday, December 4, 2011

Wipeout depression

I had thought of making this blog in a sequential order of events but I decided to just write on subjects that come to my mind. One of the subjects that came to my mind this week was a television show that helped me through some tough times. But first I wanna write about some of the hard times.

On January 29, 2011, I left the University of Utah hospital. The full reality of what had happened struck me like a knockout blow in a UFC match. I slept on the couch in the living room upstairs because in the winter time the basement gets extremely cold. Depression began to set in.

My breakfast habits stayed the same as they were in the hospital, Apple Jacks every morning. I spilt drinks all over the place. The milk jug hit the ground several times. That would have been the only thing I would have ate all day if my sister hadn't encouraged me to eat more. For some reason eating meat was not only a physical challenge but also a psychological challenge as well. I couldn't figure out why but smelling meat cooking made me nauseous. Selesitila, my sister, would make some fruit plates, consisting of grapes, oranges, and strawberries. Sometimes I would put the plate on the couch and lay down next to it, licking items off the plate. I joked with my mom and sister that I was an animal.

I would sleep all day and night. The only times I would get up were to eat, toilet, or take medicine. My body temperature was hard to regulate. Extremes seemed to be multiplied. The cold outside seemed many times colder and when the heat came on I would sweat and complain to "the landlord", my sister, that it was too hot. One time the homecare nurse came and I just slept the whole time she was here. She was extremely bored and kept asking if I was going to take a shower. I laugh at it now but it was difficult.

I hated toiletting. My first time toiletting, my mother had to help me by wiping my butt. That was a very low point psychologically. I felt so humiliated and so sorry to her for making her do such a gross thing. I started using the bidet then to dry off I would place some toilet paper on either the tub wall or toilet seat and squat down over it to dry off. Finally, I called for help to a fellow bi-lateral amputee named Jason Koger. He helped me out greatly as I learned how to wipe using hooks.

Showering was another difficult operation. A nurse would come over every day to put shampoo in my hair and wash my back. On Saturday I tried to shower by myself and ended up just laying in the tub while the water came down on me. It was therapeutical in that I started laughing at myself.

My blanket became my room, I stayed there when I was awake only leaving the couch to receive visitors. My brother visited on the weekend. Felicia, my little sister, and her family also visited. They had been installing new doors. I love to see my niece and nephews and would come out of my "room" to hand over my iPad so they could play games. Having my own child would have been a great motivation to continue trying to live on. Since I don't have a child I turned my mother to my motivation. She had a difficult time waking up and I turned that to my purpose for living.

Still, I continued depressed. Only moving for very few purposes. Five days into this cycle, I finally hit a change of pace. Wednesday became a day where I would do a lot of psychological work. A ride was arranged for me to go to burn group therapy and see my psychologist. This helped a lot in my depression. My brother would attend group discussion and I used to cry alot. All the group attendees would hug me and encourage me. My psychologist encouraged me to go do activities. In fact I had been invited by Lenny Torres, the Elders quorum president, to go to a Jazz game. I told my psychologist I didn't want to go because it was too cold. He, Justin MacKenzie, strongly suggested I should go.

It was cold, but I went. It was very liberating. I cheered my guts out and ate a burger and drank a coke. It felt so good to actually be able to do something on my own. At home, while I was staying on the couch, one TV show that I began to be a huge fan of was Wipeout. I would be very depressed and turn on the TV and these people would be running in an obstacle course and bam go flying in the water or mud. It was soooo funny that I would smile or laugh. That might be the only time I would smile all day. My cousin, Rebekah Walker, told me she would use it to help her kids when they had nightmares. Here try it, it works.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you sam for this blog & the fact that we should never take anything for granted. :) Your truly an inspiration.